yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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