Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
