I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
