We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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