It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Sober January is a disaster.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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