Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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