I will die if light touches me.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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