kristin has been a bad kristin
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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