mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
