Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
