I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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