i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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