Michael Bay diarrhea
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
