highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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