I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
