just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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