I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
