My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
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Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
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Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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