Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize