Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
