At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
