I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
