So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
