i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
