im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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