the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
