Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
