since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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