a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
