just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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