She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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