I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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