I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
