that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
