Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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