i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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