just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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