needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
