You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
