This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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