There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
