My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
