Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
