Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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