It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
