dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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