I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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