I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
