no, he came in my armpit
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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