rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
