i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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