Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
