he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
