do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
