me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
