Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
